Where’s the Tylenol? Analyzing Clark Griswold’s Meltdown Speech in ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’
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Near the end of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, well-meaning goober Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase at his best) gloriously loses his shit. He detonates it, atomizing any remaining premise that the holidays are about joy rather than just ritualized endurance. His words spill out like reindeer vomit, unleashed from a lifetime’s worth of empty suburban ambition.
And yet, somehow, this meltdown is heroic? Prometheus in a novelty Santa hat, stealing fire (nay, decorative holiday lights) from the gods, only to have them smite the neighborhood power grid in return.
This is the truth spoken by a man whose soul is wrapped in tinsel… who later discovers that the tinsel is electrified. Griswold’s unhinged yuletide soliloquy is telling. We see ourselves: over-caffeinated and overcommitted in ugly sweaters woven from store-bought futility. The meltdown isn’t just madness, but American Christmas distilled to its neon, glittering core.
The first part of the speech, in which Clark discovers his boss cut out monetary Christmas bonuses, is self-explanatory. Instead, let’s analyze the second part of this iconic meltdown, post Jelly of the Month Club revelation.
Fair warning: 30-year-old spoilers ahoy!
“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no!”
Picture the audacity. Your extended family starts walking out on your holiday bonanza just because an evergreen got fried, the turkey tasted like sawdust, Aunt Bethany’s gift-wrapped cat cashed in its ninth life, and your cheapskate boss gave you jelly instead of pool money.
The NERVE of these people! I’d be pissed too. Clark’s not wrong here. He’s just blunt in his correctness.
Ironically, the one family member who already left, Cousin Eddie (played brilliantly by my actual ex-cousin-in-law-once-removed Randy Quaid), is the only noble one here. He’s gone to kidnap Clark’s boss on Christmas Eve. That’s real ride-or-die energy, loyalty with a side of who-gives-a-shit-arrest-me. To quote the great Kacey Musgraves, “family is family in church or in prison.” May the spirit of the holidays inspire Cousin Eddie levels of devotion in your household.
“We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency over here! We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye!”
Ah, yes. All great speeches have baller allusions. MLK name-checked Lincoln, Churchill shouted out Shakespeare. In this case, Clark references beloved problematic fave White Christmas. Bing Crosby tap-dancing with Danny fucking Kaye is, indeed, an excellent touchpoint. Because we love him! This really does hit a cultural bullseye, straight from a bygone era where folks repressed their emotions like champions. Unlike Clark at this moment. Moving right along…
“And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down the chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!”
Amen, brother. To be fair, Clark’s family is acting like a bunch of assholes. He’s correct to call them out on their selfish behavior. You try orchestrating the Perfect Holiday for a group of people who wouldn’t recognize gratitude if it hit them with a frozen ham.
Add in the whole Jelly of the Month debacle and Clark’s emotions start to resemble something far scarier than rage: clarity. Even when everything goes wrong and there’s nothing to look forward to, love keeps us afloat. The trimmings are nice, sure, but they ultimately don’t matter as much as the people present.
Christmas Vacation brings this into focus. Love is the most important part of the season. Not gifts or rote traditions. But messy, loud, sometimes capable of committing felonies love. That’s the entire point. Even when the shitter’s full.
So when Santa finally squeezes his fat white ass down your family’s chimney, may he find your jolly bunch of assholes imperfect, loving, and trying their best.