The Staggering Empathy of Michael Stuhlbarg’s Monologue in ‘Call Me By Your Name’
The Scoop features personal essays on movie-centric topics.
By Kevin Prchal
They say when you become a parent, everything changes. They are correct.
I am more or less adjusted to running on minimal sleep, very little of my paycheck is actually “mine,” and the precious hours I have left at the end of each day are spent picking up toys or collapsing onto a couch decorated with graham cracker crumbs.
But perhaps the biggest change has been the seismic shift of my priorities. I no longer have the luxury of leisure. Things like going out to dinner, catching a concert or a movie, or even grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend requires wedding-tier levels of planning.
And you know what? It’s all worth it.
Everything I do is for them. There is no missed concert or couch too crumbly that could make me feel otherwise. To see their little minds expand in new and profound ways; to help them through the emotional valleys of disappointment, rejection and jealousy; And to stand in the light of their glow as they conquer fears, make new discoveries and set the stage for their silliest new dance—makes it all worth it.
Which is why when I rewatch Luca Guadagnino’s masterful 2017 film Call Me By Your Name, my heart is less ravaged by Elio and Oliver’s lost love, and more widened by the extraordinary display of love, support, and affection by Elio’s father Sami.
A sun-soaked Italian summer
To set the scene, it’s summer in 1983 rural Italy. Sami (Michael Stuhlbarg) is a professor of archaeology and he invites graduate student Oliver (Armie Hammer) to live with his family and help him with his academic work. Sami’s son, Elio (Timothée Chalamet) is a housecat who spends his days laying by the pool and transcribing music. As the sun-soaked days roll by, Oliver and Elio’s attraction grows deeper and deeper until they’re consumed by it like a cannonball into the fiume.
They ride bikes through the countryside, revel in their mind games, call each other by their names, and venture out to Bergamo where they dance on cobblestone streets and rejoice freely against the deafening sound of a waterfall. It’s young love in all of its buoyant, passionate glory.
But just like Oliver’s time with the Perlman family was set to expire, so, too, was their love affair—and that’s too much for young Elio to bear.
A simple yet staggering presence
Up until this point in the film, Sami has been a warm and gentle presence—never in the way, but always there as an anchor to Elio’s loving and idyllic upbringing. But it’s in the film’s final act after Elio and Oliver’s love dissolves that Sami makes his presence resoundingly heard, seen and felt.
Comforting Elio through the world-ending feeling of a broken heart, Sami (who correctly assumes the core of his son’s tight-lipped despair) responds in a way that’s simple in its delivery yet staggering in its magnitude of love, compassion and acceptance.
While some fathers might shy away from relationship advice (let alone to their closeted son), Sami embraces the opportunity with every ounce of his humanity. “I envy you,” he says. “In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent.”
“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”
Without a single trace of guilt or shame placed on Elio, Sami pleads with his son to fully live in this moment of heartbreak, because it’s proof of the immense passion and joy that he experienced and shared with another person. And when it comes down to it, what more could a parent want for their child?
Learning from textbook empathy
Ultimately what makes this scene so special is its plain reminder that all matters of the heart are human. Sami didn’t have to be gay to understand what his son was going through. He didn’t have to be gay to know what it’s like to love, to be loved, to lose love. It’s peak #DadGoals cinema and a deeply affecting moment that serves as textbook empathy for parents and humankind at large.
When it comes to being a father, the game can be challenging but the rules are really quite simple: love and support your kid no matter what. And when the moments come that my own kids hang low in despair, I can only hope that I’ll be there to meet them with the same amount of warmth, compassion and humanity that Sami offers Elio.
Not convinced? Watch and read along for yourself:
When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember I’m here. Right now, you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you’ll never want to feel anything. And, maybe it’s not to me you want to speak about these things, but, feel something you obviously did.
Look, you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you.
In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent.
We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!
And I’ll say one more thing… it’ll clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. Just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once, and before you know it, your heart’s worn out. And as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, pain; don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you’ve felt.
Kevin Prchal is the founder and editorial director of Cinema Sugar.