5 Lessons About Friendship I Learned In My 30s from ‘Now and Then’
The Scoop features personal essays on movie-centric topics.
By Natalie Pohorski
I got a Facebook message from one of my childhood friends announcing to our old friend group that the 1995 movie Now and Then had come to Netflix. It’s about four childhood friends that reunite in their thirties, and she suggested that the four of us reunite and rewatch it together.
My friends and I grew up in a neighborhood on the near-east side of Madison, Wisconsin. We all lived within a couple blocks of each other and would see each other basically every day. Walking to school, going to block parties, joining dance troupes, watching Power Rangers, playing kick-the-can—you name it. Since Wisconsin is frozen solid at least six months out of the year, we took advantage of every minute outside we could manage in the summers.
When the four of us got together a few winters ago, I hadn’t seen some of them since high school. “Where do we even begin?” we mused aloud. We got the big updates out of the way, then made our way to the TV to watch Now and Then together—with pizza, Pop Rocks, and commentary along the way.
This is what I learned.
1. Make friends with those closest to you, not the ones the most like you
The friends in the film probably wouldn’t have talked to each other had they not been neighbors. Granted, Savannah’s Gaslight Addition has a bit of a Stepford Wives vibe and the only person of color in the movie is a limo driver. But outside of the characters’ race and socioeconomic status, they don’t have a lot in common:
Crissy is naive, obnoxious, judgy, and survives on the color pink and Twinkies.
Sam is driven, adventurous, and would rather be performing a séance. Coincidentally, she prefers black.
Roberta is shy but can kick some ass. She would be considered the tomboy of the group.
Teeny is dramatic and rebellious, and wears padding for boobs.
I glanced at the friends on my right and left and realized we were a lot like them, too. Even though two of us are identical twins, our interests and personalities weren’t much alike.
What do we lose—as kids and adults—by only seeking out the people who are similar to us instead of appreciating the differences? And what did I gain from the way I grew up with these girls and our other neighbors? In a word, I’d say “acceptance.” Now and then.
2. How to be there for a friend going through something you don’t understand
In the film, Roberta is trying to understand the death of her mother and Sam is dealing with her dad leaving. Roberta’s grief is often dragged out into the open while Sam tries to keep hers to herself.
There are a couple scenes where Roberta has an outburst about her mother. The girls simply gather around her, listen, hold her, and show her that they are sad with her. No platitudes, no leaving when they feel awkward or out of their depth—they just sit with her in the discomfort.
On the flip side, sometimes it’s OK to talk about it.
When Roberta pretends to drown and Crissy starts to give her mouth-to-mouth without hesitation, Roberta spits water in her face and triumphantly reveals that she was faking. Teeny and Sam shake it off and say they weren’t really worried, but Crissy punches her in the face and tells Roberta that she worried her to death.
I’m not saying we should be punching grieving friends in the face, but I am saying it was important for Crissy to be honest about how it made her feel. It showed how much she cared for Roberta. In turn, the moment gave Roberta a chance to be vulnerable and share that she didn’t know why she does what she does.
When Sam finally opens up to Teeny about her parents’ divorce, she shares her biggest fears and her questions. Teeny isn’t deterred by the fact that she doesn’t understand divorce; she knows what it feels like to not know her parents at all. She tells Sam it’s not her fault, that there are no perfect families, and gives her a friendship bracelet to show they are in it together.
“When you’re 12, without effort you live in the moment. You don’t regret the past or worry about the future, and in that moment, Teeny filled my heart with hope and comfort.” - Samantha
3. Woman-ness looks different for every woman
Teeny is a hopeless romantic and struggles with wishing she was a woman already. Samantha is a feminist, but also thinks worrying about womanhood is a waste of time. Roberta is terrified of becoming a woman without her mother. And Crissy is sadly misinformed and immature when it comes to the topic, even as an adult it seems.
What the movie shows us is that all of these things are OK! And though the girls all appear to be straight—or at least their sexual orientation isn’t explored—a lot can be learned about womanhood from these perspectives.
A great moment happens after “the fight” when Samantha gets home. Her shirt is ripped and dirty, her hair is a flurry around her face, and she walks home almost drunk on her strength as a woman. She has this look in her eyes that we are lucky to see in our own faces from time to time after standing up to injustice. Whether we won or lost, we fought like a girl.
4. There’s value in connecting with those older and younger than you
“Your parents aren’t always right.”
The girls have an interesting exchange with a drifting Vietnam veteran played by Brendan Frasier. They try to act as jaded and “adult” as they can to fit in with him. Everyone but Crissy takes a cigarette. They meet him during a time in their lives when they are questioning if the things their parents say are true. In fact, they think adults in general seem to have it wrong.
He could have easily laughed at their innocence and given them the “you’ll understand when you’re older” song and dance. Instead, he mixes in hard reality with hope. He tells them that they can’t always believe everything they hear in the news or even from their parents.
To which they ask: What can you believe in? “Yourself. If you’re lucky…”
Kids understand a lot more than you think. Even if they can’t grasp the entirety of your words’ meaning in the moment, some day they might.
One of the most poignant stories in the film is that of Peter Simms, who the town calls “Crazy Pete.” They introduce him very much like Crazy Ralph in Friday the 13th: an old harbinger that rides a squeaky bike and only comes out at night. He comes to the rescue of Teeny and Sam when no one else is around. Their exchange is heartbreaking and becomes even more powerful once Pete’s true identity is revealed:
“Things will happen in your life that you can’t stop. But that’s no reason to shut out the world.”
Sam recalls his words as an adult and admits she didn’t know what they meant at the time, but now she understands. She realizes that she has been so afraid of the bad things in her life that she didn’t let in the good.
5. Maybe adult friendships should look more like childhood ones
These girls and I were friends before we really went through anything in our lives, like surviving high school, becoming adults, or starting our careers and families. But we had shared experiences from 25 years ago, and that was somehow enough to walk in without guilt about keeping in touch and no need to spend hours catching up. All we needed was the joy of being around each other and dipping into nostalgia together. It felt like any other summer day in the ‘90s.
In our divided world, we continue polarizing and drawing away from those different from us. We seek out friends with similar interests, the ones that make us feel safer in numbers and those who agree with us. We worry about bringing new friends into the fold if they aren’t similar enough to the group. We compartmentalize our lives to such a degree that we miss out on real connection and love. But friendships should create space for all of the differences.
Maybe in the same way as kids we spent the summers playing Red Rover with anyone walking by the park that day, as adults we can connect with our neighbors with ease just because they are there and that’s enough—no tin-can-phone strings attached. It could be just for a season, or it could mean you’re talking about the same movies together 25 years from now.
Natalie Pohorski is a content specialist at Cinema Sugar.